Pinoy humor daw (forwarded)

Mrs. Tanoy is a very kuripot Ilocana. When her husband died, she inquired with the newspaper, asking the price for the obituary.
The ad taker said: "300 pesos for 6 words."
She said: "Pwede ba 2 words na lang? 'TANOY DEAD', para mura."
Ad taker: "No Mom. 6 words is the minimum."
After thinking for a while, Mrs. Tanoy said: "Ok, para sulit ang aking pera, ilagay mo, "TANOY DEAD, HIS TOYOTA FOR SALE."

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Boy: Nanay, anong ulam natin?
Nanay: Tignan mo na lang dyan sa ref, anak.
Boy: Eh wala naman tayong ref, di ba?
Nanay: O, e di wala tayong ulam. Konting common sense naman dyan!

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Caloy: Tay, di ba sabi mo bibigyan mo ko ng P100 pag pumasa ako sa Math?
Tatay: Oo. Bakit, pumasa ka ba?
Caloy: Gud news, tay! Di ka na gagastos ng P100,
bumagsak ako.

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Man at 33 quits smoking. That's Will Power
At 43, quits drinking. That's Will Power
At 53, quits gambling. That's Will Power
At 63, quits having sex. And that's Power Failure!

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Kano (trying to speak Tagalog): Meg-kanow isang kilow mang-gow?
Tindero: One way.
Kano: Meg-kanow?
Tindero: I sed ONE WAY.
Kano: Aynowng ibig sabeyhin ng one way?
Tindero: Isang daan. Understang?

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Erap: Kalokohan! Di ako naniniwala! Walang taong ganun kataba!
Loi: Saan nanggaling ang balitang yan?
Erap: Dito sa dyaryo. Sabi; "British tourist lost 2000 pounds."

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MMDA (with pen and ticket to a traffic violator): Name?
Foreigner Driver: Wilhelm Von Corgrinski Papakovitz.
MMDA: Ahhh okay...(sabay tago ticket)...Next time be careful, ok?

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BF: Sunduin kita mamaya ha. Bubusina nalang ako pag nasa harap nako ng bahay nyo.
GF: Sige. Anong kotse ang dala mo?
BF: Wala. Busina lang!

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Nag-aapply si Tomas na security guard...
INTERVIEWER: Ang kailangan namin ay taong laging may suspicious mind, highly alert, insistent personality, strong sense of hearing with a killer instinct. Sa tingin mo ba qualified ka?
TOMAS: Sa palagay ko po hindi. Pwede po bang yun misis ko nalang ang mag-apply? Very qualified siya dito.

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Always remember, when SHE cancels a date, she has to. But when HE
cancels a date, he has TWO.